i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
