Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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