Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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