I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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