I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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