Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
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