my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
