I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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