Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
