so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I'm passing your future prison.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
