You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
