Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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