yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
We have started to decorate penises.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize