I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
