I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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