i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
