Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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