Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
