Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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