Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
