"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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