I can't watch pbs sober anymore
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
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There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
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The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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