The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
