in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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