Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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