She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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