awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
