I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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