My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
