How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
