That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
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