I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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