I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
