i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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