just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
