things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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