So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
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Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
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You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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