is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
the raccoons are back...
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