I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
