Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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