so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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