drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
