woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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