I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
