Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
