Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
