before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Randomize
