i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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