Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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