There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
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The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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