I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
