We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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