I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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