That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
