life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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