You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
