I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
