this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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