i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
