What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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