just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
